How James Potter Attempted to Seduce Lily Evans
by infraredphaeton
Summary: and failed, because he was a teenage boy. Marauder centric drabbles about James, Sirius, Remus and Peter being friends. rated for language.
1. This Year Will Be Different

**This is a series of short, interconnected drabbles about the Marauders. Written as actual teenage boys. So there's a lot of swearing, a lot of childishness, and James continually fails to seduce Lily on account of being a stupid teenage boy.**

**These drabbles are not chronological.**

* * *

><p>"Fuck you, man."<p>

"Naw, man, fuck you."

"Oh, how I missed the scintillating repartee that is the James and Sirius show," Remus said, falling onto the seat next to Sirius.

"Fuck you, Moony," James greeted him cheerfully, offering the new arrival a Bertie Botts bean.

"Fuck you, Prongs," Remus replied politely, taking the lolly, and Sirius laughed, offering him a high five.

"The only person *I'm* planning on fucking is Evans, thank you very much."

"Then maybe you should *not* torment her best friend this year?" Peter suggested, and James crossed his arms.

"But Snape is so…"

"Tormentable?" Sirius suggested.

"Slimy?" Remus added.

"Git-like," James decided, "He's a slimy git who is incurably tormentable."

"Well, to be fair," Remus mused, "we haven't seen him yet this year. He might have cured himself somehow."

"Highly unlikely," Peter said, filching a bean from James, "he's just a stuck up prat."

"Always has been," Sirius agreed, "and he always will be."


	2. She's Too Tough

"So, did your plan work?" Remus asked, not looking up from his homework, "Did Evans swoon into your arms and say 'take me, James, you stud'?"

"Fuck you, man," James sulked, falling into one of the overstuffed chairs by the fire.

"I'll take that as a no."

"He got detention," Peter said, hiding a smirk, "and Evans slapped him."

"It was fantastic," Sirius didn't bother to hide his smirk, "right across the face, loud enough to echo down the corridor."

"Fuck you all," James said, more loudly, and stole Remus' astronomy essay.

"Just because you have no chance with Evans, it doesn't mean you should switch targets, Prongs. Hold the course. Stop trying to make us have an orgy to ease your sexual frustration," Remus said primly, and James balled up a piece of parchment and threw it at him.


	3. He's Blue, That's All

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, Sirius!"

"What?"

"Fuck you, man."

"We really need to work on your vocabulary," Peter said, resting his chin on his hand.

"Fuck you, James!" Sirius replied, and the other boy glared, "I told you it wouldn't work! You were the one who insisted."

Blue dye was still dripping from his sodden robes.

"Yeah, well, I thought that maybe *saving* Evans from a prank would help. Saving doesn't mean falling victim to!"

"Fuck you, man, you told me to prank Evans but let you get in the way. Of course you were going to get hit. Stop being such a girl about it."

"I am *blue*, Padfoot!"

"And Peter's a kind of tannish-pink, do you see him bitching?"

"To be fair, this is his natural skin colour-" Remus interrupted.

"Shut up, Remus!"

"Oh, screw you, Sirius."


	4. Change My Nickname, You Say?

James flexed again, examining his abs in the mirror.

"I'm hot, right? I mean, I'm pretty fit?"

"I'm hotter," Remus replied, watching his queen put Sirius' knight in a headlock.

"Fuck you, man. Evans should be all over me. I'm like, the hottest dude at this school."

"Apart from me, yeah," Remus agreed.

"Sirius, back me up. If you were gay or a lady, you'd totally want me, right?"

"Sorry man, you're hot and all, but Remus would be more my type."

Sirius and Remus high fived as Sirius' pawn hit Remus' bishop with a spinning kick.

"Fuck you. Fuck all of you."

"Now, James, I know I'm hot, but I've already said no."

"And no means no!" Peter chimed in.

"I'm thinking we should change your nickname from Moony to asshole," James said, pulling his shirt back on.

"What's that? Change my nickname from Moony to lady-killer?"

"Fuck you, man."


	5. He Did It On Purpose

"Dude, please tell me you didn't get detention on purpose."

James looked up from his homework to see a very unimpressed looking rat sitting on the window sill.

"…Dude, that's stupid, why would I do that?" James hissed, looking at his doodles as if they would reveal unto him the secrets of the universe.

"Because Evans got detention today."

"Oh, did she? I didn't know," James scribbled another little snitch into the margin of his parchment.

"You're such a fucking liar."

"It's a coincidence."

"Remus says you're a fucking idiot and when you get expelled in your attempts to bone Evans, he's going to laugh."

"Fuck Remus."

"Remus says no way, you're too hung up on Evans and you'd probably cry all the way through."

"Fuck you, man."


	6. Five Pounds of Fizzing Whizbees

"Sirius. Dude. Man. You have to help me!"

Sirius looked up from where he was dangling a string for Peter's kitten, Armstrong, to chase.

"What's in it for me?"

"Five pounds of Fizzing Whizbees and my eternal gratitude?"

"Make it ten pounds and I'm in," Sirius said, dropping the string.

Armstrong immediately pounced, gnawing at his mysteriously dead opponent.

"Awesome. You're the best, dude."

"So, what do you need, someone to hold your purse while you shop?"

"Fuck you, man. I need you to pull a prank on Evans," James told him, "and then I'll save her, and she'll totally want to do me."

"…Surely, there is no way this can go wrong," Remus said, twitching his wand so Armstrong's foe was resurrected and began to slither across the rug.

"Fuck you, man, this is going to be perfect!"


	7. Remus is Better Than Trelawney

"You know what?"

"No, but I'm guessing your next sentence will start with fuck you."

"Fuck you, Remus!"

"I think I have a better track record than Trelawney, at this point," Remus observed, and Sirius snickered.

The four boys were spread out on the grassy bank next to the lake, Sirius and Peter tickling the end of one of the giant squid's tentacles, while Remus and James finished their homework.

"Fuck all of you!"

"What did I do?"

"Not you, Peter. Fuck Remus and Sirius," James amended, and Peter nodded, going back to his squid tickling.

"No thanks, Prongs."

"You suck. You're the worst friends ever."

"That's not what you said last weekend when Padfoot smuggled that bottle of Firewhisky back from Hogsmeade," Peter said.

"…Changed me mind. Fuck you too, Peter."

"No thanks, James. Go harass Evans again."

"I'm not harassing!" James scowled, "She just hasn't figured out she's in love with me yet!"

"…Harassing, yes, that's what Peter said," Remus agreed.

"Fuck you, Remus!"

"No means no, Potter."


	8. Lily: They Are All Prats

"Oh my god, Lily, James Potter totally asked me to ask you if he could ask you to go to Hogsmeade with him next weekend!"

"Well, you can tell him that I say no," Lily said, fixing her braid in the mirror.

"But he's so cute!" Susan wailed, hugging her pillow, "How can you say no, Lils?"

"Because he's a prat," Lily informed her dorm mate, "and I don't go out with prats."

"But he's cute!"

"He's a complete wanker, Susan."

"But he's cute!"

"…I feel like I'm stuck in a repeating pattern here," Lily said dryly, pinning a charmed butterfly clip in to hold back her fringe.

"Well, you're being an idiot. James is like, the most attractive guy in our year!"

"No way. Remus Lupin is way hotter," opined Andrea, "everyone knows that."

"Yet another total prat," Lily said, "I wouldn't date any of those four…except…" she trailed off, reddening slightly.

"Oh? What, Lily, do you like Sirius?" Susan leaned forward, grinning, "He's so roguish and handsome! I can totally understand that!"

"No way, she's got a thing for Remus. Everyone does."

"Or maybe she's hiding her love for James behind a facade of hatred!" Susan bounced, "I read about that in _The Charm of the Baskerdills_. The lady Jane totally hid her love for Lord Antony behind hate, so that he wouldn't think she was easy!"

"Oh, for God's sake," Lily said crossly, "Peter, alright? He's quite sweet, and always helps me with my herbology homework. If I had to date one of them, I'd date Peter. But as I don't have to date, I don't want to date, and I'm not dating until after mid terms at the very earliest, I don't see how it concerns any of you in the slightest! And anyway, Tony in Ravenclaw is far hotter than James Potter could ever hope to be, and has the advantage of not being a total _prat!_"

"…So I should tell James that you'll go to Hogsmeade with him, right?" Susan asked, blinking as Lily threw down her hairbrush.

"No!"


	9. Your Mum's A Slag, Wormtail

"So what did your secret chain of girl talk tell you, Prongs?"

"It told me that your mum's a slag, Wormtail."

"Fuck you, man," Peter said sulkily, crossing his arms, "I was just asking."

"Yeah, well I was just telling," James snapped, kicking his feet higher up the back of the broom shed.

"Well, I heard that not only did Lily turn Prongs down, but she declared her love for you, Wormtail," Remus said airily, throwing a paper aeroplane at Sirius.

"I heard that she swore that she'd kill herself before she went out with James, and that she was saving herself for marriage," Sirius said, burning a hole in the aeroplane's wing, "and Peter, of course."

"But then, Susan Corner told me that Lily swore she would never love a man like James, and that she and Peter had already been married in *secret* during Herbology."

"Married during Herbology? Really?"

"Apparently Professor Sprunkle once had a similar crisis of passion and did the marriage himself."

James fired a stinging hex at the pair, who had been slowly moving closer together as they gossiped.

"Fuck you all. And Peter, if you go after Evans, I'll kill you. Nothing personal, man, but she's the love of my life."

"No offence taken," Peter said mildly, watching Remus try to remember the counterspell for the stinging hex as Sirius rolled around on the grass like a dog beset by bees.


	10. Prank Planning

"I think we should-"

"No."

"But we could-"

"Noooo."

"Remus, fuck you," Sirius said, scowling.

"Sorry, James, I didn't realise you were in this conversation."

"So what *will* we do to the Slytherins?"

"Come here, and listen closely, my friends," Remus smiled, "Peter, the map, if you please."

Peter quickly jabbed one of his parchments with his wand, "IsolemnlyswearIamuptonogood. This thing takes forever to load," he poked it again, as if it would make the ink spread faster.

"Can we cover things with gold and red glitter?" Sirius asked, "You know how much Snivellus hates the sparkly things in life."

"A valid idea, Padfoot," James agreed, "so, Moony, Wormtail. Break it down for us."

Remus and Peter grinned, spreading the map over the bottom of James' bed.

"Alright. At two in the morning- don't groan, James, losing an hour of sleep shan't kill you."

"Fuck you, man, I need my beauty sleep."

"Damn straight you do," Sirius agreed, straight-faced.

"Thanks, Siriu-hey!"

"Anyway. At two in the morning, Wormtail will…"


	11. Map Design

"Fucking hell, Sirius, do we need all those swirls?" James asked, poking at Sirius' parchment.

"Yes," replied the other boy defensively, gathering in his sketches, "it makes it look more mature. Like something adults would make."

"Will it still work?" Remus asked, and Sirius nodded, "I don't see a problem, then."

"But why can't we use my design?" Peter whined, looking at his own parchment. Simple, straight ruled lines showed the corridors. Dots with clean, easily readable print above them showed the locations of people.

"Because Sirius' is cooler," James decided, "like, way cooler."

"But mine works!"

"So does a Datsun," Sirius said, "but wouldn't you rather drive a motorbike?"

"No. Motorbikes crash all the time," Peter sniffed.

"Well, fuck you, motorbikes are awesome," Sirius said cheerfully, "and my design is a motorbike. Yours is a Datsun."

"I want the motorbike," James said.

"Then pick my design, Prongs. Pick the motorbike," Sirius waved a hand at the elaborately snaking ink lines on his parchment.

"But-"

"Hush, Datsun," Sirius held up a hand, "we're picking the motorbike, aren't we, guys?"

"I fucking love motorbikes," James agreed.


	12. In Evans' Pants

"Hey, where's Peter?"

"Off having sex with Evans," Sirius answered, putting Remus into check.

"What the fuck, man?"

"No, seriously. They're doing it on the roof of greenhouse number five," Remus agreed, his knight attacking Sirius' queen with a garotte.

"Fuck you, man. Fuck you in the arse."

"Hey, Prongs, maybe the reason Peter scored with Evans when you didn't is because you're so obsessed with fucking me."

"Relax, James, you're starting to froth," Sirius rolled his eyes, "Peter's in the library."

"Oh."

"Doing Evans in her forbidden section, if you know what I mean."

"I fucking hate you, Sirius."

"But really," Remus said, "he's practicing his wand work. The wand in his pants. With Evans."


End file.
